I am standing in front of a classroom of 9th graders. It is the first day of class. I am trying to set the tone. Build a context. Nobody is listening. I am surrounded by chaos.
“Okay, folks, I need it quiet.”
It is not quiet.
“Please find your name on the seating chart.”
Nobody finds their name on the seating chart.
“Please stop destroying the universe.”
The universe is destroyed.
I wake up in a cold sweat. It is 2am. My cat Meowalicious is hanging from the window screen. I realize that, once again, I am stress dreaming.
***
The semester starts next week. The presemester starts this week. My schedule explodes with activity. Who put their name forward to step into a department chair role? I put my name forward to step into a department chair role.
I’m not not having fun. Read that sentence three times fast.
I’m not not stressed. Read that sentence four times fast.
I’m not not having stress dreams. Read that sentence five times fast.
Or don’t. You can read these sentences as many times as you like. You have autonomy. Faculty have autonomy. Students have autonomy. Everybody has autonomy. We are freer than we think. That’s one of the principles guiding me as I step into a department chair role. People have autonomy, and I wanted to cultivate autonomous spaces.
I’ve dreamed about associate deans, about students, about my wife, about my children, about telling my cat to stop climbing screens. These dreams are vivid.
There is a lot happening right now. I’m in my office more than I’ve previously been in my office. My email inbox explodes with questions. I’m filing emails. Responding to emails. Listening to people. Talking to people. Trying to figure what to do (and what not to do).
I think leadership in higher education matters. I like people. I’m stepping into a role that matters. Still, this last week was a lot. And next week promises to be a lot.
That’s fine. I’ve lived plenty of weeks that were a lot. And I hope to live through plenty more weeks that are a lot.
***
Being alive is a lot, and so there are stress dreams.
The mind moves through things that move through me during the day. And my mind expresses itself as the experience of swinging in a hammock high over a city with a dean. Or getting picked up for a heavy metal concert. Or battling a gigantic octopus. Or trying to set the tone in 9th Grade English.
I wake up. I think about the stress dream. Often, I laugh about the stress dream. Especially if it involved hammocks or octopi. And then I tell Meowalicious to stop climbing the screen, roll over, and go back to sleep.
My psyche runs wild and so do I. The presemester bleeds into the semester. One job leads to another. The same things continue to matter to me. I want to love and to be loved, and I want to cultivate the capacity for others to do so. Being alive is a lot, and so be it.
Much like Meowalicious attempting to scale screens, I keep moving forward.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 