“Hey sweetie, you want a picture?” the scantily clad woman asked. She put a feather boa around my neck. “You’re so handsome.”
I fled in terror.
“Want a picture with my snake?” a man who was holding a snake asked.
Loud unmusical music assaulted my senses. People pushed past me. Lights flashed. Advertisements advertised. I don’t think you catch autism from Tylenol, but I suspect you can from walking down the strip.
I spent the week in Las Vegas and I have an important public service announcement. Don’t go to Las Vegas. Ever.
***
The Literacy Research Associate held its annual meeting in Las Vegas this year. This is my first and hopefully last trip to Sin City.
The registration desk was outside the entrance to Chippendales. Thus the picture above. Maybe, in another life, I could have found my way as a Chippendale’s dance. Instead, I am a humble professor who spent the other week talking with other professors, some more humble than others, about matters of literacy. See:
I enjoyed seeing people in Las Vegas. Colleagues and mentors. I spent time with some old friends from Penn State and some new friends from Iowa. Mostly, I tried to avoid the sights and sounds of Las Vegas. I hid in my hotel room. Watched NBA and ordered room service. I had more onion rings than anybody should ever have.
Here is another piece of unsolicited advice. Don’t eat an entire order of Gordon Ramsey’s Onion Rings by yourself. You’ll pay.
***
24 hours in Las Vegas would have been more than enough. I spent nearly a week. It will probably take a week to wash the stain out of my skin.
Did you know you can still smoke inside in Las Vegas? It smelled like 1989.
My son Solomon made me promise that I wouldn’t gamble before I left.
“You’ll lose our house,” he told me.
It’s nice to know that my son imagines me as somebody who would gamble away our home. That’s something that will take some time to process.
I didn’t gamble. I didn’t get drunk. I didn’t do lines of coke off of prostitutes. Maybe I’d have enjoyed Las Vegas more if I had. Instead, by the end of the week, I felt overwhelmed and happy to leave.
Let this be a warning, kind reader, Las Vegas is an unpleasant place unless you like unpleasant places.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 