Colonoscopy!

“You probably need to schedule a colonoscopy,” my doctor said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Yeah.

Okay.

45 year-olds have colonoscopies. I am a 45 year-old. A simple logic puzzle leaves me without options.

Head on in there, doc. Tell me how it looks. It’s colonoscopy time!

***

The fine folks at UI Health Care called to schedule an excursion into my bowels a few weeks ago.

“Do you want to schedule your colonoscopy?”

I sighed heavily. “Sure.”

The woman on the other end laughed. It’s hard not to laugh when you are scheduling a colonoscopy. Hard not to sigh, either.

The fine folks at UI Health Care sent me an email confirming my appointment after I hung up the phone. Instructions were attached to the email. I’m supposed to avoid leafy greens in the week leading up to the excavation. Fortunately, I’ve been avoiding leafy greens for 45 years. No prunes? No problem. At least I can drink my body weight in coffee in the week leading up to the proctologist’s expedition. I’m good at that.

I was forced to share the instructions with my poor wife Katie. Apparently, one cannot attend a colonoscopy without adult supervision. Thank God Katie is adult.

“What am I looking at?” Katie asked after I sent along the letter with detailed instructions about my preparations.

“Our future,” I said.

45 and counting.

***

Who knows what the trepidatious spelunkers will find deep inside of my innards? Sunken treasure? Inner peace? Worlds within worlds? Only time will tell, kind reader. One can never predict the result of exploration.

Improvisation has taught me that life is is best lived without outcomes. What will be will be. And I will be along with it. That’s all one can do, especially when one is a site of archeological study. Let the doctors do what they muddily must until our bodies bodily-bust.

So I’ll keep doing what I doodley do. And before you accuse me of having a nervous breakdown after reading that last sentence, go read Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. I have to imagine reading that book is more enjoyable than a colonoscopy. I’ll know for sure in a few weeks, because it’s colonoscopy time!