Triglycerides

My doctor entered the room.

My doctor (she’s a physician’s assistant, actually) is great. She’s funny, has tattoos, and is more than empathetic about this white coat syndrome I’ve developed since moving to Iowa.

Incidentally, you’d probably develop white coat syndrome too if you showed up for a check-up, your blood pressure was two-million over three-million, and your new doctor in Iowa asked you if you were having a heart attack. That new doctor quickly became my old doctor. And a couple of years later, I was sitting across from my new doctor. My physician’s assistant.

“Your blood pressure looks great,” she said.

“That’s good, but I don’t care about it anymore,” I said. “I’m done caring about blood pressure numbers.”

“Well good,” she said, “let’s talk about your Triglycerides.”

***

Triglycerides shouldn’t be confused with triceratops. And that is the only factual statement I am going to make about Triglycerides in this writing.

My good physician’s assistant makes me do bloodwork before my yearly exam. You know, so she can help me make sense of this aging body.

“Your cholesterol numbers are lower,” she said, “but your Triglycerides took a leap.”

“My weight took a leap too,” I told her. “I haven’t really been eating all that healthy since my breakdown.”

Her eyes got wide. “Your breakdown?”

I narrated this past fall for my good physician’s assistant. Told her about going six days without sleep. Told her I realized that I was, in fact, an anxious person. Told her I seem to be doing better now. But I also seem to be worrying less about my cholesterol, my blood pressure, or my triceratops.

“I could get hit by an airplane tomorrow,” I told her. “You can’t control this stuff.”

Outside, an airplane flew overhead.

I spent the next few minutes convincing my good physician’s assistant that I hadn’t developed bipolar manic depression and was, instead, just anxious. Next, she did some sleuthing to investigate my high triceratops numbers.

“Well,” I told her. “I’ve started drinking caffeine again. I drink chai instead of coffee because it has less caffeine. I drink a lot of chai, really.”

“How much is a lot of chai?”

“I buy 2 or 3 a day sometimes,” I told her.

Her mouth dropped open. “Well, that’s why your Triglycerides are high, Sam. Chai is all sugar.”

“I have to give up my chai?”

“You have to give up your chai.”

Okay.

***

The good news about my triceratops numbers? I poured myself a delicious cup of black coffee this morning. I sipped delicately. Nothing finer in the world, kind reader, than a delicious cup of black coffee.

I promised my good physician’s assistant that I’d stick to one cup a day. I’ve never been any good at moderation. I tend to go big and then go home. But I’d like to avoid going home in a body bag, I suppose, so I’ll try and keep it to one cup a day. The road to wisdom is lined with bricks of discipline. I bet somebody said that sometime.

I don’t care about numbers on medical tests anymore. Blood pressure, cholesterol, triceratops. Fuck it. You can’t really control it, even if you try and control it. My body is becoming what it is becoming. But I’m also not a lunatic. If my doctor tells me to drink 1 cup of coffee a day instead of 78 chai teas, so be it. I’ll follow my doctor’s advice. I still think doctors know more about health than famous oligarchs. I can still think this because, for the moment, I still have freedom of speech. Right?

Anyway, beware my friend, the Triglycerides monster lurks in the trees. It is a three-horned beast from the Late Cretaceous period and it feeds on the fear of human beings. The only way to defeat this creature? Avoid chai tea and, instead, drink one cup of coffee a day. The rest, my friend, is up to you.