I can’t tell you the number of people who have told me they take medication for anxiety over the last month.
Why are people telling me this? Well, it’s sort of my fault. You see, I’m having a hard time keeping my mouth shut about what I’ve been describing as my something-of-a- breakdown that happened this fall.
In short, for lots of reasons, I’ve been coming into a new relationship with my anxiety. Exploring some deep sub-stratums of my soul. Realizing it has been here most of my life. A blessing and a curse.
Oh, and despite resisting it my entire life, I’m taking medication for anxiety.
***
I experienced my anxiety this fall in a new way. I’ve been unearthing lots of big emotions with my therapist. And then the fall semester started and I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with all the meetings on my outlook calendar. I was scared I couldn’t handle stepping into the role of Associate Department Head. I started getting dizzy when I was on campus for no reason. Figured I was probably dying.
And then I went six days without sleep and really fell apart. I hope you’ve never had insomnia. I’m learning, because I can’t shut up about my something-of-a-breakdown, that lots of people have experienced insomnia. It truly sucks.
I went to the emergency room after six days of not sleeping, convinced that I was dying. The doctor told me that I was in perfect health. My blood pressure was even fine. The doctor also told me that I was anxious. Really anxious.
No kidding.
He prescribed me a small dose of Fluoxitine. 10 mg. I don’t know if I spelled that right. It’s an SSRI. A version of prozac. I’ve avoided medication my whole life. But I hadn’t slept in over a week. I was desperate. I was in the middle of my something-of-a-breakdown. So I took the pills. I met a psychiatrist a week later. She upped my dose to 20 mg. She tried to get me up to 30 but I said no. I don’t want to be a zombie. She also gave me Hyrdoxyzine to help with sleep. I took that for a week and then stopped. I’ve been taking my Fluoxitine regularly. I don’t really notice any change, though my wife Katie told me I’m much calmer.
I’ve been sleeping each night. A little sleep, anyway. I’ve been going to my meetings. Teaching classes. Leveling out after my something-of-a-breakdown. I don’t know if it is because of the medication, but it certainly isn’t hurting.
***
Sorry to spill my guts here, but not really. I’ve been spilling my guts to anybody and everybody. I’m more of an open book then ever. No reason to hide anything.
“How are you doing, Sam?” anybody asks.
“Well, I’m having something-of-a-breakdown,” I tell anybody.
“Oh.”
I knew I went too far when I told the staff assistant. Everybody in the College of Education has probably heard that Sam is off his rocker. Popping Fluoxitine. Struggling with anxiety.
My therapist was surprised when I told him I’ve never really had what I thought of as a breakdown before.
“Why does that surprise you?” I asked.
“Because of what you’ve been through.”
“Huh.”
Huh.
So I guess I’ve had something-of-a-breakdown. And I guess I’m trying medication now. And I’ll admit that, while I don’t think I’m out of the woods or will ever be, I certainly feel as though I’m heading in a better direction. A direction in which I am more aware of how anxiety and emotion move through my body. And that knowledge has been a long time coming. A lifetime.
And there I’ve gone and posted a blog on the internet about my something-of-a-breakdown. I’m nothing if not transparent, I guess.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 