New Operating System

“You need to bring your computer in,” the tech person on the other side of my email told me. “I need it for three hours.”

I shrugged. The computer that I’m typing this blog on is property of the University of Iowa, I guess. Technically. It is both my computer and not my computer. So when the tech person tells me I need to bring it in, I bring it in.

I dropped it off on a Friday morning. Had three concurrent meetings. Picked it up when they were finished. I logged in. The tech person watched over my shoulder as my messages popped up. My emails. Even the login window to Steam. There was nothing inappropriate in any of these things. Nothing too inappropriate, anyway.

The new operating system was working. My background was a moving forest. I took my computer and went on my way.

***

I want to write something clever about my new operating system, but I’m not feeling all the clever this morning. Still, I am operating differently now than I was in September or August. Or for a long time, really.

I’m going slow. Day-by-day. Saying no to things. Not shy about describing my anxiety. Telling people about my turbulent mental health. About the insomnia I experienced through most of September. This fall has been, in a word, a doozy. And I know that is a sentence I’ve written before, but geez, I really mean it this time.

I’m amazed at how many people share their own struggles with anxiety or with insomnia when I tell them about my last couple of months. When I said I wasn’t shy, I really mean it.

“How are you doing, Sam?” anybody will ask.

“Really terrible,” I’ll tell anybody. And then I fill in some details. And then people are telling me about their own history with therapy, medication, or any number of other things.

This last couple of months has me feeling empathetic towards others. All sorts of people are struggling with all sorts of things.

Being alive is, in a word, hard. Still, I think I’m pointing in a better direction right now. A new operating system.

***

I’ve been journaling. Making lists of things to do each day. Sketching my week. Next week I have more meetings than usual. More to do. I’m a little trepidatious but, as I wrote, I think I’m pointing in the right direction. Taking things slowly. Things taking me slowly. I’m not writing as much. Not working as much. Still writing a little. Still working a little more. One foot in front of the other. One operating system after another.

Getting a little sleep. Trying to sort through the steps that have led me to this moment. Making my peace with stepping into new moments.

What a fall.