I shaved my greying goatee a few weeks ago. And then I shaved my greying sideburns. I didn’t shave anything else, thank you very much. Promise.
I looked in the mirror when I was finished. It was almost possible to imagine my touch of grey away. Shave the grave away, maybe?
Later, without intending too, I realized I was wearing a green sweater and a pair of jeans. What’s the significance of this outfit? Well, kind reader, this was the same look I had in my senior pictures in high school. Way back in 1998. Here’s that picture:
Look at that little guy. He’s not quite an Abercrombie model. Not quite.
Anyway, my wife Katie and I realized my outfit and clean-shaven face matched my look in 1998. So we staged this:
This picture makes me laugh. 2024 Sam seems so different than 1998 Sam. And yet here I am. Green sweater. Jeans. A clean-shaven face. Maybe not so different.
***
I’ve joked, here in this brutally honest blog, that I might be experiencing something of a midlife crisis. Reckoning with fading youth. Making peace with aging. That sort of thing.
I first grew a goatee when I was like 18 or 19. I did this, in part, because I was selling long-term care insurance with my father. As the picture above illustrates, I looked like I was about twelve when I was in high school. I figured a goatee would add some credibility as I convinced aging seniors to write me large checks. It worked. There were a couple of years where I made pretty good money pushing what I still believe is a very helpful product.
Later, I had the same problem as a teacher. The students thought I was younger than them. Again, the goatee made it clear that I was, in fact, older.
Most of my life I’ve had a goatee and sideburns. It makes shaving easier. I don’t cut myself as much. I can play with my beard when I’m anxious. Easy to draw stupid sketches of my face. Lots of fun. It’s probably been twenty years since I was completely clean-shaven. No sideburns. No facial hair. No nuthin’. And yet, during this past winter break, stuck inside because of the snow, I hacked all of my facial hair off. Down to the studs I guess.
My stepfather Jim had a mustache. I never saw him without it. He only shaved it off the morning he shot himself in the garage. I only know this because Mom told us he shaved when I arrived that afternoon. I always thought that was strange. What compelled Jim to shave off his mustache? A return to innocence before the end? No way to know, I guess,
I’m not close to the end. I feel like I’m only getting started. But I shaved off my facial hair all the same a few weeks ago. And it was strange to think about the relationship between the two people in the pictures shared above.
***
I posted the two picture above on Facebook. Because that’s something people do in this narcissistic age. I asked if anybody noticed any differences. There were some clever replies. One friend wrote that my smirk in the second picture looks a little wiser. I liked that. Another wrote that I should have auditioned for Scream in the 90’s. That made me laugh.
I see the differences. The wrinkles. The age. But maybe I do see some similarities. I think making peace with younger versions of ourselves matters. Making peace with where we come from. Who we come from. Reminds me of a lyric from one of my favorite Pavement songs. Gold Soundz.
And you can never quarantine the past
-Line from Gold Soundz by Pavement
This line seems truer as I get older. But maybe there’s no need to quarantine the past. Let if flow into the yet-to-be determined future.
I intend to keep evolving and changing. Keep improvising. Keep living. At peace with who I have been and at peace with who I’m becoming.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 