I miss reading Goodnight Moon to Solomon and Samson. They’ve gotten too old for most of the Children’s books that line our shelves. Sure, we read Moo Ba La La La or Goodnight, I Love You every now and then. But the reading is ironic these days, dripping with sarcasm. Not like 10 years ago, when Solomon would snuggle up with Katie and I in our bed in Maplewood, MN, and we’d read the three stories mentioned above every night. Maybe it felt like a chore at the time, and of course we were sleep deprived, but part of me really misses that routine. Solomon’s big innocence eyes. His cooing. Seems like a lifetime ago.
Anyway, the title Goodnight Moon stays with me. I notice that it shows up in my writing sometime. I make references to it like the title of this blog. Goodnight, 2023. And good riddance? Maybe not good riddance. The passing of time is sacred. And there’s always things to take with you from the things that happened to and around you. Still, 2023 was a doozy. It was something of a nervous breakdown.
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The other day, Katie and I were joking around about our new kitten Meowalicious. We often do that. Kittens named Meowalicious are meant to be joked around about. I wanted to send Meowalicious back to the humane society during her first week with us last summer. She wouldn’t stop meowing and I was, admittedly, a little stressed. I was often stressed during 2023. I don’t think Katie will ever forgive me for wanting to un-adopt Meowalicious. The two have formed a close connection. They’ve really bonded. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m worried my wife might be training Meowalicious to kill me in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up and Meowalicious is on my chest, claws out, poking at my eyeballs.
I’m kidding. Mostly.
Anyway, Katie reminded me that I was having something of a nervous breakdown when we first brought Meowalcious home.
“I was stressed!” I said in my defense. “I was having a minor nervous breakdown.”
“You were stressed all last year,” she replied.
“So you think I was having a nervous breakdown all year?”
Katie laughed. And then she shrugged as if to suggest I wasn’t all that far off. She was being a little sarcastic, of course. So was I. Dear reader, please don’t think I’m actually having a nervous breakdown. Or that things are as bad as I sometimes make them out to be in this blog that often drips with sarcasm. Solomon has inherited our sarcasm, which is why we still read Goodnight Moon, albeit somewhat ironically. Anyway, there is truth in sarcasm, truth in comedy. 2023 was, in hindsight, something of a nervous breakdown.
Now, I’m not writing about a “lock me up in a sanatorium” nervous breakdown. But last year was somewhat overwhelming. In my defense, I’m still adjusting to having moved to another state, still figuring out my new job, still worrying about my wife and children acclimating to a new life in Iowa, and still trying to figure out all of the new persons, places, and things around me. Lots of new nouns. Lots of change. And change is harder at 43 than at 33 or 23. Riding the waves of all of the changes that 2023 brought me was no easy feat. So yeah, maybe Meowalicious’ incessant kitten-meowing when we brought her home put me over the edge. But I spent most of 2023 close to that edge anyway.
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In the words of Elton John, I’m still standing. In the words of Eddie Vedder, I’m still alive. In the words of Jerry Garcia, I will get by, I will survive. Despite the touches of gray littering my beard. It’s all good. And I’m taking a deep breath and, despite all the chaos that might appear around me, I plan on remaining calmer in 2024. Accessing a peace the surpasses all understanding.
I downloaded Baldur’s Gate 3 last week. A role-playing game for my XBox. Katie and I started a quest. It is winter break, so it seems reasonable to download Baldur’s Gate 3 and start a quest. We spent all day battling goblins, attacking phase spiders, and trying to save Tieflings from a Druid ritual. It was extremely peaceful. Nice to get my mind off my mind. Nice to do it with my wife.
After 20 hours of playing, we couldn’t get the game to load. I spent the day googling fixes, sending message to XBox, and lamenting our inability to play a really good video game. Apparently, the XBox version of Baldur’s Gate is glitchy beyond all get out. We’re not the only ones suffering. I hope XBox fixes it soon.
I mention Baldur’s Gate 3 just to point to something that brought me a little peace. A little introverted calm with my wonderful wife. That’s what I’m after in 2024. No more nervous breakdowns. Instead, a better sense of how to manage my energy and time as I get older, as reading Goodnight Moon without sarcasm to Solomon and Samson recedes into my past.
So Goodnight 2023, Goodnight nervous breakdowns.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 