Hornets, Hornets

I led the nice fellow who looked like a walrus into my backyard.

“They’re over here,” I said.

The nice fellow who looked like a walrus followed me. Nicely. Walrusy.

“Behind these weeds.”

I pointed to some weeds. Weeds the obscured our overgrown vegetable garden. And by vegetable garden I mean weed garden. We haven’t been able to get to it for months. Because of what is guarding it.

“Do you see them?”

“Oh, yes,” said the walrus man from behind his walrus mustache. “I sure do.”

Bees. Everywhere bees. That’s why this walrus was at my house. I called pest control. Bee control.

“So, can you help me?”

The man studied the bees silently for a moment.

“Those are honeybees,” he proclaimed. “I can’t help you out.”

The walrus left me with a list of beekeepers in Iowa City. He also gave me some sage advice: Buy a shop vac, a bee suit, and hang out in the backyard sucking up bees.

***

A few phone calls with local beekeepers later, I realized the walrus was either a liar or a moron. Honeybees don’t burrow into the earth. Honeybees don’t look anything like the wasps in my backyard.

There’s actually two hives. One by our weed garden and another by the trampoline. One of the bees tried to eat Solomon. And by tried to eat, I mean stung.

These wasps annexed our backyard. Declared it theirs. Same mindset as whatever has happened to certain politicians in this country. No election can get rid of them. What does one do in the face of such authoritarianism?

I called a different pest control company. Requested anybody but a walrus. A nice young man came over a few days later. He had tanks of poison in his truck. Hosed the wasps down. Nice bees on both sides? Dead bees on both sides. Good night, sweet prince. Good night, sweet wasp.

***

If it’s not one thing it’s another. And another and another. Murdering hornets. Chopping down weed gardens. Humoring walruses. Adulthood is something else.

Here we are at the start of another semester. This summer really got away from me. What did I accomplish? I finished Tears of the Kingdom. Have almost finished my second play through of Fallout New Vegas. Putzed around with some academic projects. Some academic writing. Was an area chair for AERA and LRA which, for those of you not in the business of academia, just means lots of administrative work. Took some family vacations. Spent time with my family. Lots of it. Heard lots of fights between the boys. Took them for lots of ice cream. Tried to relax. Failed. Tried again. Failed again.

And then the summer of 2023 was gone. Run away like so many summers before it. The summer of 2023. Goodness. Seems like yesterday it was the summer of 1995. Time flies when you’re getting old. 43 and kicking.

I guess, if there’s one thing I hope, it’s that I don’t turn into a walrus as I age. Walruses look stupid.