This is my 235th blog on wordpress. 235 blogs. About 1,000 words a pop. That’s 235,000 words of me blogging on wordpress. That’s quite the journal. Public journal. An ongoing, shared rumination.
A couple of blogs ago I wrote about July. About taking it easy in July. About my intention to enjoy a sprawling July. Make the most of another summer vacation. I can’t say that July has been smooth sailing. I don’t know what sent me over the edge, but something sent me over the edge. I’d describe my July as anxious and overwhelming. Maybe I’d describe the last year of my life as anxious and overwhelming. Not really bad, just anxious and overwhelming.
Maybe I’m settling into a midlife crisis. Isn’t that what happens to some people when they get to their forties? Maybe I should buy a motorcycle. Or a sports car. Or a toupee.
***
What do I mean by sent over the edge?
My blood pressure was high when I took a reading a few weeks ago. It freaked me out enough that I went to the doctor and they told me not to freak out. Sure, I could increase my medication. But I could also keep exercising, eating better, and trying to calm down. Keep monitoring the situation, I guess. It frustrates me to no end. Blood pressure, I’m discovering, is not something that is easily controlled.
I feel frazzled these days. Jittery and anxious even without the caffeine. Now, before you go diagnosing me, I think my anxiety is reasonable.
I spent Monday nights during July teaching improv to high school students. STEM students from around the world come to Iowa for a summer camp. And I spent 2 hours each Monday night teaching them improv. I probably shouldn’t have said yes to this. I made a little money, enjoyed the kids, and I like teaching improv. Still, it was also an enormous amount of work wrangling 60 very distracted and sometimes mean high school students. Took it out of me.
I traveled with my family to Minnesota a few weekends ago. Led a workshop on anti-racism and improvisation in a church I attended as a kid. The workshop was powerful, and I’m glad I went. But I also found myself experiencing the same sort of anxiety during the workshop that I felt during my interview at Iowa. A little dizzy. Anxious. Felt like I was going to pass out. This is all very new to me, friends. I’ve been a teacher and improviser for 20 years. It doesn’t phase me to stand up in front of audiences and talk or facilitate workshops. I’ve done this thousands of times. And yet something hit me in Minnesota. I could feel my blood pressure rising.
As I wrote last week, we got a new kitten. She spent the first few days meowing incessantly. We took her to the vet, got some medication, and she’s better now. But cleaning up after her and making sure she used her litter box and ate food was a little stressful. And the sound of her meowing blending with the sounds of our boys playing. I don’t know. The volume level of July has been about 15. And I’m a man who needs serious introverted time. Introverted time, for me, means solitude and quiet. I didn’t get much solitude or quite during July.
So that is some of what pushed me up to the edge. I don’t actually think I’m over it. I’m just close.
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None of the stuff I’ve mentioned above would have phased me a handful of years ago. I’ve been juggling 10,000 different responsibilities for 10,000 years.
That was a really great example of hyperbole, for those of you who love the vocabulary words your 10th grade English teacher taught you in school.
Maybe a lifetime of working hard, managing chaos, and doing things like producing 235,000 words of a blog is catching up to me. Or maybe I’m having a midlife crisis. Or maybe my body just keeps reminding me to slow down. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I’m convinced it is time for me to come into relation with the sorts of things I wrote about in this blog differently. More peacefully. With more insight and wisdom. As an adult who moves slowly as opposed to a young person racing from one thing to another.
The song Leading Me Now by The Tallest Man on Earth came on when I was sitting in O’Hare, waiting for my flight to Iowa to interview for the job I would eventually take. It hit me kind of hard. Especially the final verse:
And every time we wonder
What we left back in your heart
Could you see we’re dreaming
Though our minds just fall apart
But we will end up somehow
With a peaceful mind
And you’re leading me now
I felt, at the time, that I was being led to a peaceful mind. And I’d end up there somehow, even though my mind might just fall apart.
Sometimes, recently, it does feel like my mind is falling apart. But I have a faith that whatever it is I’m experiencing here at the ripe young age of 43 is part of moving towards a more peaceful mind. And a more peaceful body. I’m just in the weeds a little bit right now. Finding the path forward. I think it is probably a good thing for people to adjust, adapt, and find new paths forward. But doing this, in my humble opinion, is rarely easy.
So there is my 235th blog on wordpress. Was it amusing? Was it depressing? Was it jittery? Was it embarrassing? I don’t know. I approach writing like I approach improvising. Without evaluation. It is what it is and it will be different next time. 235 blogs. There are worst habits to have, I guess. Like crocheting. Or heroin.
Samuel Jaye Tanner 